Bad Habit

Bad Habit
by Alana S. Portero
HarperCollins Publishers, 2024. 224 pages. Fiction

This book, translated from the original Spanish (La mala costumbre), is one that will stick with me, one that I will re-read, and one that I want to tell everyone about. Not only is this autobiographical fiction an authentic glimpse into what it is like to be transgender, it brought me to absolute tears with its beautifully written prose. It is the story of a trans woman, growing up in Madrid in the 1980s and 1990s. She did not come out as trans until she was an adult, but describes her childhood and adolescence as an agonizing period of "knowing" that her life would be a different and a difficult one. "My mask was one to hide behind; a mask of shame and fear, something I shouldn't have needed or even known existed at that age." Our main character does her best with the situation she's been given, but as her neighborhood becomes increasingly plagued by heroin addiction, she starts to lose herself even more. With the fierce friendship of others, especially two older trans women in her neighborhood, she is able to stay afloat. "I hadn't been mistaken in my choice of role model - women who age how they want, on their own terms, and wear their lives etched into their faces - are treated with pathos and mockery because they are feared." 

One review calls this magnificent book "gentle, but blistering," and the description could not be more perfect. When our main character is attacked for being trans, I wept openly. "I was discovering who I was through a gut punch - words that lodged deep within me and were impossible to forget. Before you get the chance to define yourself, others trace your outline with their prejudices and their aggressions." I will never fully know what it's like to be a trans woman, but I am immensely grateful for writing like Portero's that allows me to so deeply connect with and build empathy for women like her. 

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